Capt. Squid's Jokes

[Rebel]

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer Negligee for his wife.



He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price.



Naturally, he opts for the most see-through item, pays the $500 and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put on the gown, and model it for him.



Upstairs, the wife thinks, 'I have an idea, it's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return the gown tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.'



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband responds, 'Good Grief!, You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'



He never heard the shot.



FUNERAL ON THURSDAY AT NOON. CLOSED COFFIN

[midnighthunder89]

where did the rolling face go

[Rebel]

where did the rolling face go

Maybe an exit, stage left.

[tbhager94]

ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.



Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !



Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.



Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.



Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.



Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.



Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

EVER WONDER ....



Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?



Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !



Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?



Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?



Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?



Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?



Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?



Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?



Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?



Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?



You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!



Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?



Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?



If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide is that considered a hostage situation than?

If a cow laughed would milk come out her nose?

If you're sending someone Styrofoam what do you pack it in?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Oylmpics?

If it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Since light travels faster than sound is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Why do you press harder on a remote when you know the batteries are dying?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Tell a man there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it!

[BLAZER]

Who Wants to be a Millionaire ???




My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said,
'Do you want to have sex?'


'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said,
'I'd like to phone a friend.'



That's the last thing I remember.

[ihatemybike]

The other day, I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch that I had downloaded off the Internet onto the front of my shirt.

When I went into the E. R. I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
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Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

[d3athm3talh3ad]

a man comes home from work and tells his wife he has been having thoughts of putting his member in the pickle slicer at work.

"that's terrible!!" exclaims the wife, and she proceeds to talk him out of it.

the man comes home from work the next 3 days, and states the same, with his wife talking him out of it each time...

at the end of the week, the wife is surprised to see her husband pulling in 4 hours earlier than normal.

"what are you doing home so early?" she questions.

"i couldn't resist" says the man, "i put my member in the pickle slicer."

"oh my god!! what happened?" she asks.

"they fired me" he answers.

confused, the wife says, "no, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

he answers "she got fired too"

[skippy]

A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed . "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."

[CaptSquid]

Why Dads Aren't Moms

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set.

Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of "tea" (really just plain water).

He praised her good "cooking," so she brought him more. After several cups of "tea," and much praise, Mom came home.

"Honey, watch this," said Dad, and had her wait in the living room as Suzie brought him another cup of tea. "Isn't she just the cutest?"

Mom waited until he had polished off yet another cup of "tea" before asking, "Did you ever think that the only place a baby can get water is the toilet?!"

[wagonmaster]

A Marine and a sailor were sitting in a bar one day arguing over which


was the superior service.


After a swig of beer the Marine says, 'Well, we had Iwo Jima '


Arching his eyebrows, the sailor replies, 'We had the Battle of Midway.'





'Not entirely true', responded the Marine. 'Some of those pilots were


Marines, in fact, Henderson Field on Guadalcanal was named after a


Marine pilot killed at the Battle of Midway.'





The sailor responds, 'Point taken.'


The Marine then says, 'We Marines were born at Tun Tavern!'


The sailor, nodding agreement, says, 'But we had John Paul Jones.'


The argument continued until the sailor comes up with what he thinks


will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The

Navy invented sex!'


The Marine replies, 'That is true, but it was the Marines who introduced


it to women’

[CaptSquid]

I think I've been dissed by a sea-going bellhop!

[dumb lady]

I think I've been dissed by a sea-going bellhop!

ZOINK!!
Good one, Mr wagonmaster!!

I love sailors, but ya gotta admit Squiddy... One needs to sort through them a little sometimes.

[CaptSquid]

Unlike the Marines, the Navy doesn't charge for doing a public service.

[wagonmaster]

We're not free, but we are reasonable!

[CaptSquid]

A Lifetime Of Taking A Woman To Bed

At 8 years old, you take her to bed and tell her a story to get to sleep.

At 18, you tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28, you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38, she tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48, she tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58, you stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68, if you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78, What story?? What bed?? Who the hell are you???