Capt. Squid's Jokes

[mattblackratbus]

[dumb lady]

Haha!! Funny jokes Cappy, but that last one's a groaner!

[skippy]

DRUG PROBLEM??????

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question, ''Why didn't we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?''
I replied: I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning. I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn't put forth my best
effort in everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profane four-letter word.
I was drug out to pull weeds in mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood; and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin; and, if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

[mattblackratbus]

very wise words Skip and very true for me aswell....Johnny

[CaptSquid]

More New Financial Terms

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share!

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

[CaptSquid]

Moose Hunting

Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.

Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.

Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"

"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last yer."

[Bubbathegimp]

A cabbie picks up a Nun
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Peter and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

[astronut74]

^^ OH NOOO!!!!

[Smiliesafari]

That's crazy funny...... Could it be directed to someone we know?

[89AstroDan]

Ha,Ha...Peter's a cross dresser...I get it...that's to funny...Ha,Ha

[Bubbathegimp]

That's crazy funny...... Could it be directed to someone we know?

Why would I do something like that ? Besides I Know Petey missed me. (shell casings in evidence locker).
Besides we're 2 sides to the same scale (libra). Just look at our birthdays for chrissake!

Oh, yeah, IM BACK

< worshiping our god of cubic inches *

* Note Petey > I said Cubic inches so quit fantasizing

[Bubbathegimp]

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main hallway and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart.

[CaptSquid]

Therapy

The cute young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her stammerers group. She tried every technique she knew, with no success. Exasperated, she finally offered, "If any of you can just say the name of the town where you were born without stuttering, I'll have wild sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water! Now who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up, "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham," he said.

"Sorry, Trevor," she said.

"Who's next?" The Scotsman raised his hand. "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley."

"No sex for you, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?"

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually got out, "London."

"Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and she took him in the back room and immediately lived up to her word. After some exceptional sex, they paused for breath.

Paddy looked over and said, ... "D-D-D-D-D-D-D-Derry!"

[kings-x59]

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main hallway and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doc piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart.

can't even get out a one cheek sneak...jeez

[Rebel]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

……..And that’s when the fight started....