Capt. Squid's Jokes

[Rebel]

At 68, if you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

Waiting,,,

[CaptSquid]

Words of Wisdom ... Or Not!

1. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

2. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

3. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!

4. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

5. I am not a complete idiot, dammit! ... Some parts are missing.

6. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

7. Procrastinate Now!

8. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

9. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

10. I have a Degree in Liberal Arts ... Do you want fries with that?

[CaptSquid]

Men DO Remember Anniversaries

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said his wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that, too," she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said ... "I would have gotten out today."

[CaptSquid]

More New Words For 2008

1. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Opressive Mortgage.

2. 404: Someone who is clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document or Web site cannot be located.

3.GOING FOR A McSHIT: Entering a fast-food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the restroom. If challenged by a staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwords is know as a "McShit with Lies".

4. SWAMP DONKEY: A deeply unattractive person.

5. MONKEY BATH: A bath so hot that, when lowering yourself in, you go, "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!"

6. MYSTERY BUS: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when come back in.

7. BEER COAT: The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a pub crawl at 3 a.m.

8. BEER COMPASS: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a pub crawl, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

9. PICASSO BUTT: A woman who panties are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

[Rebel]

9. PICASSO BUTT: A woman who panties are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

These are the same women we have down south who think they're so cute wearing their tight tank tops showing both their spare tires around their waist and can't wait to pass you in aisle at Squal-Mart so you can see their bran new tatoo of a damn Scorpion on their lower back.
Somebody please tell these ladies that no one gives a damn about their Scorpion or their spare tires and to please stop raising the back of their tank top so everyone is sure to see the tatoo and to please buy a colorful mumu or better yet, get a sack and stay home.
It ain't cute.

[dumb lady]

9. PICASSO BUTT: A woman who panties are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

These are the same women we have down south who think they're so cute wearing their tight tank tops showing both their spare tires around their waist and can't wait to pass you in aisle at Squal-Mart so you can see their bran new tatoo of a damn Scorpion on their lower back.
Somebody please tell these ladies that no one gives a damn about their Scorpion or their spare tires and to please stop raising the back of their tank top so everyone is sure to see the tatoo and to please buy a colorful mumu or better yet, get a sack and stay home.
It ain't cute.

Mr Larry Rebel, those ladies are HERE in swampy Florida, too.
And, mother of Buffy...they are all that AND sport mullet hair!!!

BTW, funny stuff Squidder.

[CaptSquid]

Remembering Life Before The Computer

1. Memory was something that you lost with age.

2. An application was for employment.

3. A program was a TV show.

4. A cursor used profanity.

5. A keyboard was a piano.

6. A web was a spider's home.

7. A virus was the flu.

8. A CD was a bank account.

9. A hard drive was a long trip on the road.

10. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.

11. And if you had a 3 1/2- inch floppy ... you just hoped no one found out!

[peter]

Courtesy of Mark aka Midget


A koala was sitting in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry'
and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and
helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard,
'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.
The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said,


'Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...
How much water did you drink?'

[CaptSquid]

Now THAT'S a keeper!

[Rebel]

Here ya go:


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom
piece you were drying.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeou
sh*t….'



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age.



SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters. The tool most often used by all women.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up
jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If
nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding
heat to the palm of your hand.



WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
you want the bearing race out of.



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you
have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the
bumper.



EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of
a trapped hydraulic jack handle.



TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.



E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.




RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of
everything you forgot to disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably
has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.



AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.



TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop
light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,'
which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
misleading.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but
can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women
excel at using this tool.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.



AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last
over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their
heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when
hanging pictures.



MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard
cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such
as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,
refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.



DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while
yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need.

[Smiliesafari]

LARRY..........When were you in my shop????????? I've got all of those.

[Smiliesafari]

Two old folks sitting at the breakfast table:
Old woman: Honey, do you remember how hot we were for each other when we were young?
Old man: Ya.
Old woman: Well Honey, My nipples are still as hot for you as they were then.
Old man: Well they should be. One is hanging in your coffee and the other is hanging in your oatmeal.

[Rebel]

Skip,,laughed my off,,that's funny

[CaptSquid]

Women Drivers!

This morning on the interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear-view mirror, putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple of seconds and, when I looked back, she was halfway over into my lande, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily ... but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked the cell phone away from my ear, which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins", ruined the damn cell phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call!

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

[CaptSquid]

Mr. Steinberg

Mr. Steinberg's physician finished his examination and said, "Sol, I'm happy to say that you're completely healthy, with the heart function of a fifteen-year-old."

Mr. Steinberg went home and told his wife, "Doris, the doctor says my heart is in great shape. Tonight, we're going to have wild, passionate sex!"

Doris said, "Are you sure, Sol? At your age? I'd never forgive myself if you died while we're doing it. But if your doctor wrote a note verifying that everything is okay, well, then... maybe."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected and the next day he was back in his doctor's office.

His doctor told him, "Sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write you a note. Let's see, 'My patient, Sol Steinberg, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old and can have wild, passionate sex any time he so desires. Signed, Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, how do you want it addressed? What's your wife's name?"

"Uh ... Doc, just make it 'To Whom It May Concern'."