Capt. Squid's Jokes

[dumb lady]

Hahaha!! Pearls of wisdom Mr Reverend Trybe!!

OK time for a Rabbi joke...

THE RABBI & THE TAX COLLECTOR

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the
candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that
his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send
them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d*ck.

[trybe13]

[Rileysowner]

How to make a woman happy?

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:


1. a friend


2. a companion


3. a lover


4. a brother


5. a father


6. a master


7. a chef


8. an electrician


9. a carpenter


10. a plumber


11. a mechanic


12. a decorator


13. a stylist


14. a sexologist


15. a gynecologist


16. a psychologist


17. a pest exterminator


18. a psychiatrist


19. a healer


20. a good listener


21. an organizer



22. a good father


23. very clean


24. sympathetic


25. athletic


26. warm


27. attentive


28. gallant


29. intelligent


30. funny


31. creative


32. tender


33. strong


34. understanding


35. tolerant


36. prudent


37. ambitious


38. capable


39. courageous


40. determined


41. true


42. dependable


43. passionate


44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:


45. give her compliments regularly


46. love shopping


47. be honest


48. be very rich


49. not stress her out


50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:


51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself


52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself


53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:


* birthdays


* anniversaries


* arrangements she makes

NOW, HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:


1. Show up naked


2. Bring food

[canadavan]

Very true. Sometiimes I don't even need #2.

[dumb lady]

And that's the SHORT version, right Mr R'sOwner!!

[CaptSquid]

Zen Thinking

1. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
2. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
3. Don't worry.... it only seems kinky the first time.
4. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
5. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
7. No one is listening until you fart.

[dumb lady]

Gotta love the way that Mr Zen thinks!

[CaptSquid]

A Refined Gentleman

An English gentleman travelled to New York City one rainy summer for the funeral of an old girlfriend. Having packed in a hurry, he forgot to bring his galoshes. Not wanting to ruin his shoes in the mud that was sure to be at his departed friend's burial ceremony, he went to a shoe store.

"Pardon me." he asked the clerk, "Do you have any black rubbers?"

The confused clerk said he did not, but directed the man to the drugstore across the street.

The Englishman asked the pharmacist, "Pardon me, but do you have any black rubbers?"

The pharmacist replied, "I don't know but I'll take a look."

From the back room, he called out, "I have green, red, purple, blue and rainbow, but no black." Returning to the counter he asked the Englishman, "Why do you want black rubbers, anyway?"

The Englishman replied, "My old girlfriend just died."

The surprised pharmacist said, "Oh, you English are so refined!"

[astrogurl]

OHHHH that is so wrong....and yet I chuckled. lol

[Rileysowner]

A cowboy walks into a saloon and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.

"Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."

"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?

"Rustlin' " said the bartender.

[dumb lady]

Mr Reilys!! That's so wicked corny it's funneeee!!

Squid.... Gurl's right. That's funny but just so wrong!!

[CaptSquid]

Actual 911 Calls

1. Dispatcher: "9-1-1, what's your emergency?"

Caller: "I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner."

Dispatcher: "Do you have an address?"

Caller: "No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?"

2. Dispatcher: "9-1-1, what's the nature of your emergency?"

Caller: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

Dispatcher: "Is this her first child?"

Caller: "No, you idiot! This is her husband!"

3. Dispatcher: "9-1-1, what's the nature of your emergency?"

Caller: "Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath ... I think I'm going to pass out."

Dispatcher: "Sir, where are you calling from?"

Caller: "I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster."

Dispatcher: "Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?"

Caller: "No."

Dispatcher: "What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?"

Caller: "Running from the police."

[dumb lady]

I thought I've seen them all, but those are new ones Squiddy!!

[CaptSquid]

Golf Humor

Jack was at the country club for his weekly round of golf and what a round it was: he began with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on two. On three, he scored his first hole-in-one.

Then his cell phone rang. It was his doctor, who said, "Your wife has been in a terrible accident and is in critical condition in the Intensive Care Unit."

"I'll be there as soon as possible!" said Jack ...but as he hung up, he realized this might just the best round of golf of his life. "Maybe just a couple more holes wouldn't hurt," he thought.

By the time he finished the eighteenth hole, he had shattered the club record with a 61! Although jubilant, he also felt guilty about ignoring his wife. He dashed into the hospital and found the doctor in the corridor.

"Doc! I got here as fast as I could. How is she?"

The doctor glared at him. "You bastard! You finished your round of golf, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out there enjoying yourself, Annie has languished in the ICU! For the rest of her life, she's going to require fulltime medical care ....from you!"

Jack felt so guilty that he broke down in tears.

The doctor snickered. "Nah, just kidding! She died two hours ago. How'd you shoot?"

[trybe13]