I tasered myself...

[peter]

It's long but funny. Apologies to those here who're seeing this again, I'd already emailed it to alot of the members.


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “Don’t do it dip-shit”. Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . WHAT THE HELL!!!







I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I s**t myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!


P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[Smiliesafari]

On this site Pics are mandatory !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One more time. This time with a video.

[stomp13]

Thats awesome! I kind of want to it try myself?

[skippy]

Ya know petey , i can see you sitting in the chair lookin at this thing & wondering the same as him!!!!!

[T.Low]

I'm finding that my internet skills are totally inadequate for responding to this post, Peter. I'm at a serious loss. Nothing in my computer science history has prepared me for this very moment!

"OMG, thats fecking hilarious!" just doesn't get my reaction across accurately! I feal like a real schmuck, after all you put yourself thru and then to so eloquently and shamelessly share it with us, and all I can do is spit up my mocha into my cereal bowl, and laugh my ass off, bump my knee into my desk, and get the odd milk-drenched Cheerio projected up and onto the keyboard of my company laptop, it's just not nearly enough.

Ohhhh $h!te.
Yeah, Peter, give it a month or so, so the pain is not so fresh in your mind, set up the video well away from the recliner, put Gracie on your lap, and do the grand re enactment for a peer revue on ASV, glasses and all!

And send me the bill for the Depends, that shit is on me!

[T.Low]

On this site Pics are mandatory !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! One more time. This time with a video.

[BLAZER]

Peter...that has got to be the funniest thing I've read in weeks.....hilarious . I can just see you rolling around the floor like a fish flooping in the bottom of a boat.
my dog got tased 2 weeks ago by the local police. He supposedly "attacked" them or was acting viscious. We were gone, they came back later to show us how to remove the metal fishhook prongs still hanging from him.....I could imagine what a human would feel like....oh, you do now! My neighbor said my dog wanted nothing to do with them and he wouldn't go outside for two days.
Oh geez, I'm still laughing!!!!

[Cobra]

everyone at work got a good laugh time to send it to my boss now

[Rileysowner]

I laughed so hard I was crying. Where does one get one of those?

[ihatemybike]

OK, Smurfy. You passed the story along and others seem to think you actually did this, but this story has found it's way into my email inbox a couple times before. Prove you're the original by doing it again while getting it on video.

[lockdoc]

It's rare when I find myself laughing out loud alone. Well, not really. But that is funny even the second time around.

In Peter's defense, he never said this was his story. Though it is easy to envision him participating. I must admit I have tried this myself since we sell them. I also tried the dogs shock collar as well when my one dog seemed oblivious to it.

There is something seriously wrong with that dog.

[peter]

Ditto on Mountain Man aka Lockdoc.

I never said it happened to me. I'd gotten this email a few months ago and just about pissed myself laughing. When I got it again yesterday, I said to myself "Self, how many other pathetic souls would get a chuckle outta this story."

Automatically, I though of the bunch of social rejects over at ASV.com who still worship a vehicle which has been outta production for over three years.....

[peter]

Oh, and Bill. You're seriously flucked up. Please refrain from associating with myself AND Libby's impressionable son at this years' NECO.

Matter of fact, keep that Devilchild Junior of yours away as well, thank you very much....

[GEJ]

Petey-not to steal you thread,but this is a true story.


As some of you know i work at Lowes Home Improvement.

We sell grills in the department i work in.

Two yrs into my employment there a old lady came up to me to tell me she and her husband had just bought a grill from the store and the electronic ignite r didn't work.She had a plastic bag in her hand which I thought was something she had bought while in the store that day.I told her she could return the grill and we would replace it because the sale was under 30 days.She said she didn't want to haul the grill back and for the store to just replace the ignite r it's self.I told her that I had to see what style her grill had and she quickly pulled it out of the bag.

Soooooooo,I grabed the end of it and asked her if the battery was good.HOLY CROW-she pushed the button and just lite me up!!!!!!!. One of the guys that work there with me said it was one of the funniest things he had ever seen.This old lady had me dance around in the isle hanging on to that damm thing.I saw colors and thought surely I was going to die.She froze with her hand on the button and the only thing that got it to stop was me jumping around I broke the wire to it.Kind of slumping against the shelving and it took me a couple of minutes to gather my thoughts.She said does that mean it doesn't work???.I looked down at the wire and said yeah the wire is broken.Gave her another and sent her on her way.

That day I went home to change my pants after wards.Naaaaa-you don't want to know why.

True story.

[Kidhauler]

In highschool we were making stun guns. I had mine all finished exept the case and had been testing it in class by sparking pop cans and blowing up capacitors hooked to the leads. When I was walking back to my locker about half way there I hit the button by mistake and zapped the heck out of my self. Seems that I forgot to unplug the 9V battery and since the whole circuit board was in my hand it just kept feeding the voltage to me for several seconds as my hand involutarily tightened holding the button down. It was all I could do to get the battery disconected as I stood outside screaming and swearing while all my buddies laughed there asses off at me. What are pals for???