Capt. Squid's Jokes

[CaptSquid]

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him and, as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," then turns to the ostrich."What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man.

"Same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."

Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I'd just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress then asks, "One other thing, Sir. What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[CaptSquid]

Reason To Play Golf

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive ... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 years old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

[CaptSquid]

The fire at Los Alamos has had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last weekend.

Actually it reveals nothing that we didn’t already suspect. But it does show that besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element is known to exist.

This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years. The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, that are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium mass will actually increase over time, since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass."

[CaptSquid]

Well, the main forums have gone the way of the dodo bird again.

Missing Wonders of the Modern World:

1. Paris Hilton's panties (she never seems to wear any, so they must be missing).

2. Britney Spears' panties (ditto, especially after she started hangin' with Paris).

3. $1-a-gallon gasoline (one day it was there then, overnight, poof! it just vanished).

4. $10 headlights on cars (just try to find 'em).

5. 50-cent a pint beer (ditto).

6. Men who don't have to take a pill to get it up in the presence of an attractive, naked woman (or is Voyeurweb the only place where ladies can find them?).

7. Women in mini-skirts on "up" escalators.

8. Something actually made -- not just assembled -- in the U.S.A. (antiques and T-shirts don't count).

9. Sane people in L.A. (never mind, you can't find what was never there).

10. Peace (remember Peace? Well, it has gone missing again).

[CaptSquid]

1. Blonde Joke No. 181

Two blondes trekked deep into the frigid forest in search of the perfect Christmas tree but after hours of braving blustery winds and freezing temperatures, one blonde was ready to give up.

She said, "I don't know about you, Bambi, but I'm going to chop down the next tree I see ... whether it's decorated or not!"


2. The Origin Of Webster's Dictionary

Like many husbands throughout history, Daniel Webster tried to talk with his wife but as soon as he said anything, his wife responded, "And exactly what does that mean?"

And thus was born Webster's Dictionary!

[CaptSquid]

The Official Language

The European Commission has just announced that English will be the official language of the European Union. German, which was the other possibility, narrowly missed out.

During negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und after zis fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German; lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

[dumb lady]

I was halfway through reading that Squiddy & thought...RoFlMaO
Zis is ze vay mein relatifs spek!!!
Way too FUNNY!!! Great stuff! Thanx!!

[CaptSquid]

Politically Incorrect Humor

1. California Version

The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es un problema serio."

2. Australia Version

A recent survey in Australia asked the following question:

Are there too many foreigners in this country now?

Answer:

18% said: YES

82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بوا! شن

[CaptSquid]

Perspective

A nun in the hospital's maternity ward waiting room noticed a young man pacing back and forth.

She asked him, "Are you a father-to-be?"

"Yes, Sister, I am," he said.

"Is this your first child?" she asked.

"No, Sister, it's not."

"How many children do you have?"

"This is my tenth."

"Oh! And are you a Catholic?"

"No, Sister, I'm not."

The nun walked away in a huff, muttering, "Sex fiend!"

[CaptSquid]

Geriatric Golf

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.

One day he arrives home looking downcast.

"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cuppa.

As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"

"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."

"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.

He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did," replies his brother-in-law.

"Where did it go?", asks Arthur.

"I can't remember."

[Rebel]

LMAO. Been there,,,used to play golf with my boss who had several occasions where his retna detached and could see nothing in the distance and very little up close. I'd always have to watch where his ball went after every T shot. Usually told him it went in the rough and he'd have to drop a ball and lose a stroke.

[tbhager94]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT ?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After bein g married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt

[midnighthunder89]

Their tree doesn't seem to have many branches. kind of like a line.

[Water Boy]

Dictionary For Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions,
marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime
soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say
"focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring
only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children,
a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider
yourself lucky to get a card.

[Water Boy]

Bubble gum ... bubble?

http://www.strangepolice.com/content/item/135810.html