Chevy & GMC Vans

Rebel wrote:Here ya go:
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

I love doing that!

Sending a foot long chunk of 2x4 across the shop has to be one of the best things ever todo. Especially when there is a new guy in it and you want to scare the living crap outta him . Gets em almost as much as a black cat on the ground between their feet.

A blond calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blond says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says;
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . ... .. .


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box ."

The Little Boy & The Padre


A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up watching all the bubbles.

A padre came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine.'

The padre said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant woman's belly she will pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson.'..

Jim, are you sure that was a blonde doing the "jigsaw puzzle?" Perhaps it was a Second Lieutenant? Or even a Pilot?

CaptSquid wrote:Jim, are you sure that was a blonde doing the "jigsaw puzzle?" Perhaps it was a Second Lieutenant? Or even a Pilot?

I wouldn't put it past the 'butter bar'.

Know When To Stop
(Warning: Major Groaner)


A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
But the dad loves his son anyway and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."

#-o

How It All Began

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com. She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land.

And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot said, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay", and he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

New Education Classes For Men (by Women)

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each.

Topic 1. How to fill ice-cube trays. Step by step with slide presentation.
Topic 2. Lavatory paper rolls: do they grow on the holders ? Round-table discussion.
Topic 3: Differences between the laundry basket and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.
Topic 4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.
Topic 5. Loss of identity: losing the remote to your significant other. Help line and support groups.
Topic 6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the "Right" place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.
Topic 7. Health watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.
Topic 8. Real men ask for directions when lost. Real-life testimonials.
Topic 9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.
Topic 10. Learning to live: basic differences between mother and wife. Online class and role playing.
Topic 11. How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.
Topic 12. How to fight cerebral atrophy: remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Guido, The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian...and I think I love you..."

LMAO!!! =D>

ALASKA RETIREMENT

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the
stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries
once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About
5:00."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink
with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be
some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks
again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea . "I've
been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

=D>

Golf Humor

At dawn, the telephone rings. "Hello, Señor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, that's the one."
"That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat."
"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....?!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
Silence...
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"

At The Border Checkpoint
WARNING: Groaner Alert!

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put five people in a Quattro. Quattro means four."
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorted disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.''
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
"You idiot!", the Englishmen replies angrily. "Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."