Capt. Squid's Jokes
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trybe13
- I sleep in my van
- Posts: 410
- Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2006 6:53 pm
- Location: Artesia, NM -a beautiful desert oasis
- Contact:
#-o
90 Safari XT Hi Top
Lead guitarist for The Jericho Effect
Click the link to bang that head! http://www.ilike.com/artist/Trybe13
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CaptSquid
Topic author - I plan to be buried in my van
- Posts: 1230
- Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2006 4:50 am
- Location: Billings, MT, 'MERICA!
Call Center Queries
1. Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Center."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
2. Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone plug-in point on the wall."
3. Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
4. More Motoring Services
Caller: Inquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France. "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
1. Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Center."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
2. Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone plug-in point on the wall."
3. Motoring Services
Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"
Operator: "Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
4. More Motoring Services
Caller: Inquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France. "If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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CaptSquid
Topic author - I plan to be buried in my van
- Posts: 1230
- Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2006 4:50 am
- Location: Billings, MT, 'MERICA!
Aussie Humor
An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
"Considering all these events," the official continued, "in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Aboriginals were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty kangaroo. Plenty fish. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled before adding, "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."
An Aboriginal elder, sat in his humpy eyeing two government officials sent to interview him.
One official said to him, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he has done."
The elder nodded in agreement.
"Considering all these events," the official continued, "in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The elder stared at the two government officials for over a minute, then calmly replied: "When white man found the land, Aboriginals were running it. No taxes. No debt. Plenty kangaroo. Plenty fish. Women did all the work. Medicine man free. Aboriginal man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."
Then the elder leaned back and smiled before adding, "Only white man bloody stupid enough to think he could improve system like that."
Mike, Billings, MT, 'MERICA!
92 Safari SLE w/Z Motor (sold to a good home)
98 AWD Stro LS
93 Suburban Silverado 4x4
Look for the MISSING Alien in the Right Seat. AL, PHONE HOME!!!
92 Safari SLE w/Z Motor (sold to a good home)
98 AWD Stro LS
93 Suburban Silverado 4x4
Look for the MISSING Alien in the Right Seat. AL, PHONE HOME!!!
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trybe13
- I sleep in my van
- Posts: 410
- Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2006 6:53 pm
- Location: Artesia, NM -a beautiful desert oasis
- Contact:
90 Safari XT Hi Top
Lead guitarist for The Jericho Effect
Click the link to bang that head! http://www.ilike.com/artist/Trybe13
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trybe13
- I sleep in my van
- Posts: 410
- Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2006 6:53 pm
- Location: Artesia, NM -a beautiful desert oasis
- Contact:
Alabama Preacher
The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your
heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would
stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her
voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God
and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit
this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your
heart you will feel glory.
Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would
stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her
voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under
the sheets."
The preacher fainted, and the congregation roared.
90 Safari XT Hi Top
Lead guitarist for The Jericho Effect
Click the link to bang that head! http://www.ilike.com/artist/Trybe13
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CaptSquid
Topic author - I plan to be buried in my van
- Posts: 1230
- Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2006 4:50 am
- Location: Billings, MT, 'MERICA!
Where Nagging Gets You
For weeks, Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been nagging him to paint the toilet seat.
He finally got around to it while Lucy was out.
She returned while he was cleaning his brushes, got undressed to take a shower and then sat on the commode.
When she tried to stand, the epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.
Lucy's screams rousted Charlie, who ran upstairs and quickly realized her predicament. They pushed and pulled with no luck, so Charlie removed the bolts holding the seat in place, wrapped Lucy in a sheet, and drove her to the emergency room.
As the ER doctor positioned her on the table to figure out how to free her, Lucy tried to lighten her embarrassment. "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen a lot of them, but I've never seen one framed before!"
For weeks, Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been nagging him to paint the toilet seat.
He finally got around to it while Lucy was out.
She returned while he was cleaning his brushes, got undressed to take a shower and then sat on the commode.
When she tried to stand, the epoxy paint had glued her to the commode seat.
Lucy's screams rousted Charlie, who ran upstairs and quickly realized her predicament. They pushed and pulled with no luck, so Charlie removed the bolts holding the seat in place, wrapped Lucy in a sheet, and drove her to the emergency room.
As the ER doctor positioned her on the table to figure out how to free her, Lucy tried to lighten her embarrassment. "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen a lot of them, but I've never seen one framed before!"
Mike, Billings, MT, 'MERICA!
92 Safari SLE w/Z Motor (sold to a good home)
98 AWD Stro LS
93 Suburban Silverado 4x4
Look for the MISSING Alien in the Right Seat. AL, PHONE HOME!!!
92 Safari SLE w/Z Motor (sold to a good home)
98 AWD Stro LS
93 Suburban Silverado 4x4
Look for the MISSING Alien in the Right Seat. AL, PHONE HOME!!!
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canadavan
- I get chills without my van.
- Posts: 93
- Joined: Thu Sep 21, 2006 5:01 pm
- Location: Port Moody, BC
A man goes over to his secretaries house after work. They spend hours having steamy sex before he finally pulls himself away and heads for home. A couple of blocks from home he stops at a park, takes his golf shoes out of the trunk and rubs them in the grass. Putting them back in the trunk he drives home. His wife is standing in the driveway waiting.
"Where have you been?" she demands.
The man slumps his shoulders, looks at his wife his wife with shame.
"I am sorry. I have been having an affair with my secretary and we spend the afternoon at her place having sex. I feel so ashamed."
His wife pushes past him, opens the trunk of his car and pulls out his grass stained shoes.
"You lying son of a b*tch! You were playing GOLF!"
"Where have you been?" she demands.
The man slumps his shoulders, looks at his wife his wife with shame.
"I am sorry. I have been having an affair with my secretary and we spend the afternoon at her place having sex. I feel so ashamed."
His wife pushes past him, opens the trunk of his car and pulls out his grass stained shoes.
"You lying son of a b*tch! You were playing GOLF!"
"Damn, youse funny lookin'..."
Todd
Former owner of the Rocket van - v8 powered 1990 Astro
Tall man, no van
Todd
Former owner of the Rocket van - v8 powered 1990 Astro
Tall man, no van
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CaptSquid
Topic author - I plan to be buried in my van
- Posts: 1230
- Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2006 4:50 am
- Location: Billings, MT, 'MERICA!
Hypno-Therapy
A woman tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist," she replies. "He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," her husband replies.
H"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years," says his wife. "Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
"Wow! That was wonderful!" exclaims his wife.
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time! The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
A woman tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
"Margie referred me to a hypnotist," she replies. "He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," her husband replies.
H"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years," says his wife. "Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
"Wow! That was wonderful!" exclaims his wife.
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time! The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
Mike, Billings, MT, 'MERICA!
92 Safari SLE w/Z Motor (sold to a good home)
98 AWD Stro LS
93 Suburban Silverado 4x4
Look for the MISSING Alien in the Right Seat. AL, PHONE HOME!!!
92 Safari SLE w/Z Motor (sold to a good home)
98 AWD Stro LS
93 Suburban Silverado 4x4
Look for the MISSING Alien in the Right Seat. AL, PHONE HOME!!!
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trybe13
- I sleep in my van
- Posts: 410
- Joined: Sat Sep 09, 2006 6:53 pm
- Location: Artesia, NM -a beautiful desert oasis
- Contact:
Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
90 Safari XT Hi Top
Lead guitarist for The Jericho Effect
Click the link to bang that head! http://www.ilike.com/artist/Trybe13