Capt. Squid's Jokes

[CaptSquid]

Belief


When the local church found out their small town was going to get a new tavern, they started a petition campaign and regular prayers to block the bar from opening. Work progressed uneventfully until the night before the bar was set to open, when a huge storm blew through and a lightning bolt struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were quite "smug" until the bar owner sued them on the grounds that they were responsible for his building's demise, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

In court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. As the case concluded, the judge looked over the paperwork and commented, "I'm not sure how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"

[kings-x59]

The 710

A psychiatrist went into an auto repair shop and told the parts manager that
he'd lost the "seven-hundred-and-ten" on his Lincoln and needed a new one.

The man said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm not familiar with a part called a
710. What does it do?"

Incredulous, the psychiatrist said, "Hell, I don't know, but every engine
has one. You'd think a parts manager would know that."

The manager took the shrink into the shop, raised the hood on a car, and
asked the him to point to the 710.

The psychiatrist pointed toward a cap on the engine and said, "Just like I
told you... IT'S RIGHT THERE!!"


If you're not sure what the 710 is, go here:
http://blog.erdener.org/archives/images ... 11-710.jpg

[ds99]

The Rattlesnake

A rattlesnake goes into a bar and and slithers up to the bartender.
The bartender looks at the rattler and says, "You know we have a drink named after you."
The snake replies, "Gee, you have a drink named Steve?"

[peter]

Gawd..... ](*,) ](*,)

[tbhager94]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George,a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.He didn't explain, defend, or deny... he said nothing. Later that evening,George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home...and left it there all night. Ya gotta love George.


Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
__________________

[tbhager94]

stolen from the squidster

The Blind Date

"How was your blind date?" the co-ed asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" she answered. "He showed up driving a 1952 Rolls Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's wrong with that?"
"He's the original owner!"

[CaptSquid]

8 Swine Flu Groaners

1. How do you know if you have the swine flu? You wake up in pigtails and then break out in rashers!
2. Swine flu may affect your hearing: you could get crackling in one ear!
3. Don’t panic; it’s no pig deal, it’s just a minor hamdemic!
4. Finally Mexico is a world power; when it sneezes, the whole world gets sick!
5. To prevent swine flu, apply oinkment to your affected area!
6. I called the National Swine Flu Hotline but all I heard was crackling on the line!
7. I had a glass of Merlot last night and woke up with sniffles and sneezing; my doctor said not to worry, it’s just the wine flu.
8. A blonde was afraid to buy gas because she heard it wasn’t safe to travel to Texaco!

[CaptSquid]

A Prayer For Dad

"Dear God,
"This year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer. Amen."

[CaptSquid]

Puns - Also Known As Groaners

1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
2. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. Police are looking into it.
5. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
6. A backward poet writes inverse.
7. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice save sects.

[CaptSquid]

The Mafia Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has stolen $10 million.
The bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational plus, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.

[CaptSquid]

GO GITCHA MOMMA

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father And son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked,
'Paw, what's at?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life. I ain't got no idea'r what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a heavy-set old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blond woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........
'Boy..................go gitcha Momma..............'