Capt. Squid's Jokes

[SafariRob]

I kinda like this variation on number 6:
333--I'm the semi-christ!

[CaptSquid]

[CaptSquid]

All Female Airline Crew

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he asked, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the flight attendant, "and so is the co-captain. In fact, the entire crew is female."

"My God!" said Ed. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing, sir," said the flight attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit ... Now, it's called the box office."

[dumb lady]

[trybe13]

All Female Airline Crew

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."

Ed, sitting in the eighth row, thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he asked, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the flight attendant, "and so is the co-captain. In fact, the entire crew is female."

"My God!" said Ed. "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing, sir," said the flight attendant. "We no longer call it the cockpit ... Now, it's called the box office."

[CaptSquid]

The Divorce

A judge presided over a Jewish couple's divorce proceedings.

When the final papers were signed and the divorce was complete, the wife thanked the judge and closed by saying, "Now I have to arrange for a Get."

"What's a Get?" asked the judge.

"A Get is a religious ceremony required by the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce," the woman replied.

"You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" the judge asked.

The newly divorced woman replied, "Yes, very similar. Only in this case you get rid of the entire schmuck!"

[dumb lady]

LOL That's a good one!!

OK my turn.....

SATAN GOES TO CHURCH

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[ds99]

OMG! FOCAROFL!
Good One D.L.!!

[BLAZER]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night,
when behind him he hears:
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER..
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP..
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,..........















The coffin stops

[Someone]

The coffin stops....


at first I thought it was just a bad joke... then I got the punch line and relized it was a really bad joke

[CaptSquid]

Legal Briefs
The following are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters. Enjoy! Hehehe!

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an austopsy on him!

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh?

Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.

[CaptSquid]

[skippy]

SATAN GOES TO CHURCH

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years.

Christine , thats the funniest thing i've heard in a long time !!!!! theres more than a few people i know that will love that one .

[CaptSquid]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

1. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

2. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it ... well, except that it should be for the other foot.

5. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time ... on a hill .. in the fog.

6. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

7. A shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

8. Remember: When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

9. Flashlight: A carrying case for dead batteries.

[CaptSquid]

Pigs Are Smart

A farmer in Macon, Georgia, had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.

At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything fifty-fifty. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"

The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.

This continued each morning for more than a week.

One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."

"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."