Capt. Squid's Jokes

[CaptSquid]

SUNBURN TREATMENT

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?"

The doctor replies, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs!"

[Rileysowner]

It made me laugh. My wife just gave one of those looks when I told her

[trybe13]

SUNBURN TREATMENT

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?"

The doctor replies, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs!"

[astrosafari]

hahaha thats some good stuff. haha

[Ali-V8famvan]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

The other night my friend was invited out for a night with "the girls".

she told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit worse for wear, she headed for home. Just as she got
in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.


Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed
another 9 times.


She was really proud of coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her husband. (Even when
totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)


The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told
him "Midnight".

He didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When she asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed
three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, Cuckooed twice more, and then
tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[LiftedAWDAstro]

Now that is funny!

[trybe13]

Ali!!

[trybe13]

This one is for the ladies:

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish... So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of the story: Men are ungrateful and should remember fairies are female.
Sorry fellas......

[LiftedAWDAstro]

That one is funny James!

[CaptSquid]

Where did I come from?

One day, a little boy asked his father, "Daddy, where did I come from?"

"Ah, my son, I guess you'll need to find out one day anyway," said the father.

"Well, you see, your mom and I first got together in a chat-room online. Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cyber cafe. One thing led to another and we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

"As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little popup appeared and said: 'You've got male'."

[Ali-V8famvan]

LOL Good one!

[Stro Owner-Luin]

Funny stuff here!

[Ali-V8famvan]

The Guys' Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down


Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules"
From the female side.



Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!





1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.

See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it i s just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, how to put a V8 350 in an Astro Van,
or hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[trybe13]

[Rileysowner]

Once upon a time there was a trolley conductor, very reliable and honest, who was so in love with a beautiful young woman that he finally mustered the courage to ask for her hand in marriage. He was not a wealthy man, and she had very expensive tastes, but she did love him, and so she resolved to learn to make do, and consented to be his bride. They began their life together in a tiny apartment, with few possessions, but a lot of love.

They were very happy for quite some time, but eventually, the young woman’s craving for the “good life” got the best of her, and she began spending beyond her poor husband’s means. Consequently, he was forced to get a part time job to pay for her lavish lifestyle. Before long, it became necessary to work full-time at both jobs to make ends meet. He would rise early in the morning, drive the trolley all day, and then rush to his second job, arriving home late at night and collapsing, exhausted, into bed. His wife had become so self-centered that she scarcely seemed to notice.

Finally, he could take it no longer. Physically, he was a wreck, and mentally, he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He came home one evening after a day on the trolley, flopped on the couch, and fell asleep. His wife shook him awake.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” she asked.

“I’m quitting my night job. I can’t take this anymore. It’s killing me,” he groaned.

“But how will we pay the bills? You don’t make enough as a trolley conductor,” she whined.

“We’ll just have to cut back.” he replied, “We’ll have to eat out less, sell the second car, and move to a cheaper house; and no more shopping sprees.”

“No,” she snapped, “I will not go back to that wretched lifestyle. If you will not support me in the way I have become accustomed to, I will leave you!”

Now the poor man was really on the edge. “Do you mean to tell me,” he said, his voice shaking, “that you would rather have me lose my health, not to mention my sanity, than give up these luxuries?” By now, he was so worked up that his vision was becoming blurred, and there was ringing in his ears.

“Oh, stop whining. Be a man!” she retorted. “It can’t be that bad!” That was too much. The poor, stressed man snapped, grabbed her by the neck, and strangled her. When he came to his senses and realized what he had done, he called the police and turned himself in.

His trial passed quickly. On the advice of his attorney, he entered a plea of “not guilty by reason of insanity,” but the jury was unsympathetic, and the judge was even less moved by his sad story. He was convicted, and sentenced to death.

The day of his execution arrived. He had eaten his last meal, and had his head shaved. As he walked the last mile to the execution chamber, he thought about the last months of his life, and the overwhelming burden he had been laboring under. He was almost relieved that it was all over. He was led to the electric chair, sat down, and strapped in. The hood was placed over his head, and the cap was strapped on and wired. The switch was thrown.

Nothing happened. The switch was thrown again. Still, nothing. The wiring and connections were checked, and another attempt was made. Again, nothing happened. The unfortunate trolley-driver still sat there, alive and unharmed. After several more unsuccessful attempts, the prison warden took the execution crew aside and demanded to know what the problem was. “Is there something special about this guy that protects him from electrocution?” he asked.

“No, there’s nothing special about him at all,” was the answer. “He’s just a poor conductor!”